(09.17.11) at the end of us

“I’m driving you home?” smoke poured from James’s nose.

“Aaron and Lettie left.” I finished my third beer. I wanted another, but the cooler was empty. So I pulled out a cigarette of my own and studied his face. I didn’t like that he asked. I felt disappointed. It was strange to be slipping from his life like this. Inseparable one moment, disposable the next.
“Well I’m going to be up all night.”

I didn’t know why he was telling me that or how it mattered when it came to driving me home. I tried not to look at the girl James brought to the party. I didn’t want to think that’s what meant.

“Okay,” I said before stumbling towards the front of Connor’s house. I needed to go for a walk only the world was a little on its side. I found a corner of the driveway instead. The concrete was warm in the September night. I listened to the rustle of leaves and started out into space. The tires of Connor’s jeep to my left and the chipped nail polish of my toenails and the ficus to my right.

I just wanted to disappear. I thought about maybe calling Aaron and asking him to come back and get me, but I wasn’t in the mood to explain anything and I didn’t want to bother him. My eyes grew heavy as I sat out there. The sounds of the party carried over the fence. Someone was thrown in the pool, a girl shrieked. There was laughter.

“Bridie?” James called out from the gate. He walked down the driveway towards the street. I watched him for a moment just wanting to be invisible. “Bridie?”
“I’m here.” I said from my corner. My voice was hoarser than I expected it to sound, like I was crying. But I wasn’t. James walked back to where I was and sat down.

“You okay?”

I didn’t say anything. I didn’t look at him either.

“Brid, talk to me.” His arms reached for me and pulled me in. At first I resisted, but then I fell into his shoulder letting my hair fall over my face. “Bridie… talk to me.”

I kept shaking my head.

“You can talk to me about anything. You know that. Bridie, please.” His voice took on this plea that just made it more difficult to open my mouth and speak. So I started to cry, but I tried to make myself stop. I tried to move away. James only held me closer.

“Brid, it’s okay. You can cry. Just cry.”

“I’m so confused.” A hard sob escaped me. I turned in his arms so my back was against his shoulders and my head was cradled between my knees. I still didn’t want to look at him. “I don’t understand why you’re doing this. Why you’re going and leaving and running away. I don’t get what’s happening. And I didn’t want to talk to you this way. I just, I felt like you were avoiding me. And I’ve been drinking. And when I get nervous and I drink and I want to just disappear and I’m sorry.”

“You’re always going to be able to get in contact with me. I promise no matter what you’ll always be able to find a way to reach me,” he muttered into my hair. His hand gripped my knee and I found myself reaching for it, wanting to take hold and just never let go. He kissed my hair.

“I still don’t get it,” I said through tears. “I want to. But I don’t.”

“Bridie.” He began, but stopped. He kissed my hair again, and tried to move it from my face. I think he wanted me to look at him, but I didn’t want him to see me. I didn’t want him to see my running nose and my puffy eyes and whatever my face might give away. I didn’t want to see whatever his face would give away either.
“Brid. It’s not that I don’t love you. Or want you. But I’m a bad person. You can’t be around that.”

“Shut up!” I squeezed his hand. “Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. You’re not a bad person. You know that. You’re amazing. You have a wonderful, caring heart—“

“Brid, I’m not—“

“No. Shut up. Bad people don’t drive up to Orlando to help a girl they barely know. Or buy her groceries. Or give money to random charities, any charity. Or…” I started to cry again.

“That doesn’t matter, Brid. It doesn’t. I make self destructive decisions. I’m on a self destructive path. I hate my life. You can’t be around this.”

“Then stop. Please just stop, James. Because I know it sounds crazy and stupid and whatever, but you’re too important to me. I feel like I was meant to know you and it’s just not fair. You’re leaving before anything has even begun.”

He pulled me in tighter. “I know. I knew I was meant to know you long before you realized you were meant to know me. But I can’t stay here. I’m dying in Miami. This can’t be my life. I can’t just spend my time serving chicken wings to old men and beer to drunks. I don’t want this. I need to leave for a while. But this isn’t the end. It’s just an intermission. It’s really just a beginning.”

I hated him for making sense. I was quiet for a while, taking deep breathes to calm myself down.

“You scared me when you said you wanted to run. I knew you were about to push me away. And I wanted to be strong for you because I know you’re depressed and all that. And I wanted to put on a brave face and try. I don’t know.” I sighed.
“Brid. I want you to be strong for me, but you never have to put on a brave face. You’re my best friend. Just be you. Always be you.”
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t want to talk to you like this. I drank so much on an empty stomach.”

“You didn’t eat again?” The way he said it made me feel guilty.

“I forgot.”

“You need to eat, Brid.” He said as he began to lift me to my feet.

“I’m not hungry.”

“You need to eat. We’re going to do that now. Get you food.”

James took me to Taco Bell and made me get something to eat. He swindled some money off one of the guys hitting on me at the party to pay. I tried to pay him back but he wouldn’t have it. “You should take the money,” I told him. “You don’t have a job anymore.”

“Well, I have a job. Just not one that you get a pay check from.”
I didn’t know what to say. What could I say?

“You better eat that entire quesadilla,” his voice was firm.

“All of it?” I wanted a normal conversation. I wanted to laugh. I wanted something to hold on to because I was starting to have this terrible feeling that my world was about to come crashing down around me.

“All of it. Every last bite.”

I really wasn’t hungry. I almost felt sick at the thought of eating, but I knew he wouldn’t let it rest. After I took a couple small bites of gooey mystery meat, I lightly touched his arm. “What did you mean you’re going to be up all night?”

“I promised Connor I’d do something with him tonight,” he said around his burrito.

“I’m not that tired. I could stay up too.”

“Well. It’s his first time taking mushrooms.”

“Oh.” I definitely didn’t want to eat after that. I nibbled at a corner of the tortilla.

“Bigger bites.”

Opening my mouth wide, I made a big show of eating. “I still wouldn’t mind going.”

From the corner of my eye, I watched the outline of James shift uncomfortably. “I really don’t want to bring you into this.”

I stared out into the empty parking lot of the Taco Bell. Everything in my mind felt dark. Even if I turned to look at James, I couldn’t see him. The whole night was covered in shadows.

“You’re going to be okay alone?”

I just nodded.

“You sure?”

“You promised Connor.”

“You can sleep in my bed.”

“Okay.”

James took me to his place and let me in. He asked again if I’d be okay. I didn’t want to answer so I just slipped into the unlit apartment.



I didn’t sleep that night. Not really. I hated being on that stupid mattress with that stupid comforter with its stupid holes and stains and cigarette burns. It smelt like him. And I felt way too small without him next to me.

A longing curled up in the center of my chest. My mind screamed for him and I hated that too. I replayed the night as much as I could and I suddenly wished that I hadn’t spent that entire conversation hiding. It was all in darkness and I wish I could remember his face because I wasn’t sure if he meant what he said or if he said it because I was drunk and crying.



James didn’t come back until 11am. He wore completely different clothes and smoked a Black and Mild.

“I think I’m dying.”

“I was just about to text you to ask if you were alive,” I told him.

“I’m all sandy. I don’t know where this shirt came from.” He started to pat himself down.

“It’s yours now.”

“I think I was naked way too many times tonight. I feel like I’m dying.”

He grinned before crawling into bed and wrapping his arms around me. “I ingested so much poison. Voluntarily.”

“I bet.” My fingers trailed along the side of his face and down his neck. We laid there quiet for a moment. I didn’t know what to say to him or how to say it. I just knew that the walls were crumbling, and by the end of that day everything was going to change.

“Everything’s vibrating. Is the world vibrating?”

“No. The world is still.”

“Then it’s just me. I can’t figure out what’s real.”

I turned my head away and closed my eyes.

“I know we’re just friends now, but will you take a shower with me until I figure out what’s real?”

“Yes.” The answer was quick. There was really nothing to think about. I wanted to hold on, to create one lasting moment where everything was okay between us. I wanted him, always, forever. Not out of boredom, or some sick fascination with fire. I knew that once I left that room, that shower, the world would change somehow and I would never have this chance again.

As he pulled me towards the bathroom, I realized how difficult it was for me to breathe. Every moment he touched my skin I felt like I was drowning, dying. I shook and shivered and wondered if I was somehow becoming high off the sweat of his skin. Every nerve ending was on fire, and I almost told him. I wanted to tell him, I forget to breathe when I’m with you. But I was afraid.

I try so hard not to see, not to look. Because once you do, you can’t close your eyes again.

Somewhere between the tangle of our bodies I want to scream because I knew. I knew was was striving to reach out between all my words and thoughts.

I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.

And I hated myself for it. Why do I have to realize this now? I wanted to laugh at myself.

“James, I don’t want you to hurt. I don’t want you to do this.  I want you to be okay. I want you to be happy.” But he say anything. Didn't even look at me. He just pulled me into him and went to sleep.